


Holding On to Happiness

by Nonbinary_dude_chillin



Series: Sanders Sides Song Fics [3]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Cutting, GO GIVE LOVE TO JOAN! THEY'RE AWESOME!, Joan appreciation day, M/M, Morality | Patton Sanders Angst, Patton Feeling Depressed, Song fic, Suicidal Thoughts, Triggers, angst angst angst, hold on, stay safe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-03
Updated: 2020-09-06
Packaged: 2021-03-07 03:01:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26269888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nonbinary_dude_chillin/pseuds/Nonbinary_dude_chillin
Summary: Nobody will play a game with Patton. They all think that he makes to many dad jokes to be taken seriously. They all think that he's stupid. And useless. And weird. And too silly. And too happy. And too bubbly.That's how Patton sees it at least.But Logan's view is a little different.
Relationships: Logic | Logan Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders
Series: Sanders Sides Song Fics [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1913380
Comments: 12
Kudos: 48





	1. Hold On

**Author's Note:**

> Hay yall! I'm posting this two part story in honor of Joan appreciation day! They're awesome. The next chapter will hopefully be up soon, it depends on my constant need to procrastinate.
> 
> Anyway, TW: cutting, mentions of cutting, sort of suicidal thoughts. Stay safe!

Patton’s POV

“Hey Logan! Do you wanna play a game?”

Logan looks up at me. I smile and hold out my favorite game: Chutes and Ladders. He looks down at it. “Sorry Patton. I have no time for childish games. I have things I need to do that don’t involve silliness.”

I step back, stung by his words. But I brush it off and put a smile back on my face. “Alright I’ll go to Roman.”

I skip through the halls, ignoring the hurt feeling in my chest. I find Roman sitting at his desk in his room.

“Roman!”

He looks up.

“Do you want to pl-”

He holds a hand up, “Please Padre, I’m in the middle of something.”

I stop skipping, “Oh. Okay! Well work hard then!”

I slowly back out of his room. Welp. Time to find Virgil!

I walk through the common room and over to Virgil’s room. I knock. No answer.

Huh. I open the door slowly. The room is dark, he must be sleeping. I normally wouldn’t wake him up but I really want to play. I walk over to Virgil’s bed and shake him gently.

“Hey Virge.” I whisper.

“Five more minutes…” He grumbles.

I giggle. “Do you wanna play a game?”

“Patton! I’m trying to sleeeeeep. Please go away.”

I push down the little ball of hurt building in my stomach. “Alright! Sweet dreams!”

I leave Virgil’s room and walk down the hall to my own. I could always play against myself.

I shut the door and set up the game on the floor. I use the guy with orange hair and the girl with black hair. I try to play the game, but it’s not the same. I wish someone could play with me.

I mean, I could ask one of the others… Thomas doesn’t know about them yet. But I could play with one of them. Deceit might cheat the whole time. So can’t ask him. 

Roman’s twin will just make it weird and inappropriate. So he’s out of the question.

Ughh. Who am I kidding, they’ll never want to play. We’re from opposite ends of the mind.

Nobody even wants to talk to me anymore. It’s like they think I’m stupid or something. Sure I act happy and tell jokes all the time but that doesn’t mean I’m stupid. They never even take my ideas seriously!

Maybe… maybe that’s my fault. Maybe it’s because I’m acting stupid. If I didn’t act stupid I would be taken seriously. 

Who am I kidding? I could never do that. It’s in my nature to tell dad jokes and be happy. 

I guess it’s in my nature to be stupid, too.

I mean, just look at Logan, he’s so smart. No wonder he doesn’t want to talk to me. And Roman, he’s Thomas’ creativity. He has a huge job. So does Virgil, he keeps Thomas from danger and doing things that might hurt him.

But… What do I do? I just stand there telling stupid, cringy dad jokes. I don’t contribute anything. I’m useless, and stupid.

Useless.

Stupid.

The words play over and over in my brain, like a broken record.

I walk over to my bathroom in almost a numb daze. I open the cabinet and reach into the back. I pull out a light blue box and open it. Inside there’s a small blade, and gauze. They’re only ever used for one purpose.

I walk over to the mirror. Oh. I didn’t notice I was crying. Doesn’t matter.

I place the blade lightly on my arm. I take a deep breath and dig it sharply into my skin. I slide it all the way up to my elbow. But for some reason I don’t feel the pain I’m supposed to.

I huff and dig it deeper and seeping with every cut I make. Until, finally, I can feel it.

With each cut I say a word.

Cut.

“Stupid.”

Cut.

“Useless.”

Cut.

“Too happy.”

Cut.

“Weird.”

Cut.

“Stupid.”

Cut.

“Useless.”

Cut.

“Stupid.”

Cut.

“Useless.”

Cut.

“Useless.”

Cut.

“Useless, useless, useless.”

My vision is blurry, but I can still see the dark red blood running in steams down my arms and legs. Too late I realize that I went too far this time.

I try to cry out for someone, but as soon as I do, the floor rushes up to meet me and the room goes black.

Logan’s POV

After finishing my book, I decided that I should play ‘Chutes and Ladders’ with Patton. I haven't talked to him in quite a while, and I do enjoy his company. Although that’s something I may not ever admit.

I walk down the hall to the light blue door with Patton's heart symbol. I knock. No answer.

“Patton?” I ask, trying the door handle. It’s unlocked, I step inside and the first thing I see is a half played game of Chutes and Ladders abandoned on the floor.

“Patton?” I ask again, “Are you in your room?”

I hear a muffled shout from the bathroom, abruptly cut off as something hits the ground hard.

I rush over to the bathroom door. I try the doorknob, it’s locked.

Shit. (I usually don’t use vulgar language, so please excuse it.)

I close my eyes and imagine that the door is unlocked. When I turn the knob again it is. I wrench the door open. The scene that greets me is shocking.

Patton is lying in the middle of the bathroom floor, a pool of his own blood surrounding him.

“Patton.” I say quietly, sinking down to my knees beside him. “No…”

I stare down at him in horror.

No.

Please no.

He can’t die! Thomas needs him! Virgil needs him! Roman needs him!

I need him.

He’s… he’s a constant in my life. Always there to provide a silly pun or a dad joke. Sure he can be annoying, but he’s also the most kindhearted, sweetest person I’ve ever met.

I can’t lose him.

“Please don’t leave me…” I whisper.

Oh god!

Logan! Pull yourself together. Remember, you don’t have emotions. You're practical.

I stare at Patton for a second longer, then yell, “VIRGIL! ROMAN!”

I hear a clatter and a shout then two figures burst into the bathroom behind me.

“What happened?” Roman says. I shift aside so he can see Patton on the floor. Roman tenses up. I expect Virgil to do the same or worse, but he just calmly tells Roman to imagine a stretcher.

Virgil, Patton and I can imagine things to change, but only Roman can make them out of nothing.

I watch, unable to speak as Virgil picks up the almost lifeless Patton and puts him on the stretcher. He turns to Roman, “Can you help?”

Roman nods and takes the other side. They walk out of the bathroom, while I remain on the floor. I should be helping, Patton needs someone logical to help. But I just can’t get up. My legs feel figuratively glued to the floor.

How could Patton do this? /Why/ would he do this? I thought he was sharing his feelings now. I thought we were over this.

I need to help him.

Heaving myself to my feet I leave the bathroom and close the door behind me. I walk down the hallway to the commons. I see Virgil and Roman frantically trying to patch Patton up. Using several rolls of gauze that Roman must have imagined.

I walk over to them, almost in a daze. I know exactly how to help Patton right now, but I just can’t bring myself to do it.

“We need help.” Virgil says, “Someone who’s experienced.”

Roman looks sharply at Virgil. “No. We can handle this.”

Virgil shakes his head, “As much as I hate him, he’s the only one who’s actually had to deal with this before.”

“I know he helped you,” Roman says, hurriedly quickly wrapping another roll of gauze around Patton’s arm, “But he might not be willing to help Patton.”

Finally snapping out of my current state I hurry over to help him.

“Who exactly are we talking about right now?” I ask, my voice a little shaky. “And can we make the decision! Because Patton needs help!”

Virgil looks Roman square in the eye, “We need to call him Roman. Trust me. He knows what to do.”

“Fine.”

Before I know what’s happening, Virgil calls, “Deceit!”

A small figure with yellow gloves, and half a snake face pops in right behind him. “You called.” he drawled.

I see Roman glare at him, and I suddenly realize what Virgil meant. I hold my hand up to the Prince, then turn to Deceit.

“As much as I hate to admit it, we need your help… Patton,” I point at the side lying on the stretcher, “Needs your help. I understand that you’ve helped Virgil with this certain problem before, and I am asking you to help Patton.”

Deceit looks at me for a second, as if considering my words, then nods. “I’m not happy about this… but I can’t stand by and watch a side die.”

Both Virgil and Roman look surprised, but I breathe a sigh of relief as Deceit jumps into action. “I’m going to need you all to leave. You’re crowding me.”

I usher Virgil and Roman out of the common room. We sit in the kitchen in silence. As people say: ‘the tension could be cut with a knife.’

We waited for almost a half hour, but eventually Deceit came back.

“Patton’s awake. But he’s in a bad condition.” He warns.

“Thank you Deceit.” I say.

He nods in a formal way, “I did what I could. Nobody else will hear of thisss.” With a small hiss, the yellow clad side sinks back down.

As soon as he’s gone I rush out the door to Patton. Virgil and Roman are already there.

I sit down on the couch beside him.

“Are you alright?” I ask. “Actually that was a rather unintelligent question, seeing as you almost died. Are you able to walk? No probably not. I-”

Patton reaches out and touches my hand with his own. I hadn’t realized that I was shaking until now. Odd.

“Logan… It’s okay. I’m okay.”

“But you not, why-”

Patton interrupts me, “Virgil, Roman, will you two give us some space for a second?” They both look bewildered but leave the common room anyway.

He turns back to me, “Logan, I need to tell you something.”

I stay quiet. Whatever this is it must be important if Patton asked Virgil and Roman to leave.

“I self harm.”

“I know.”

Patton looks down at his feet, “But it’s never gotten this bad.”

“You mean to say that it’s happened before?”

“Yeah.”

The silence after Patton speaks seems to last an eternity. Although logically speaking it was only a few seconds.

“Why do you do it?” I ask, finally.

“I don’t know. I… I just don’t know.”

I can feel my eyes start to sting. Oh no. This can’t happen. Not now!

I stand up, “I have to go.” I say shortly, before exiting the room.

Patton’s POV

“I need to get some sleep.” I say to Virgil and Roman. After Logan left they came back in and started pestering me with questions. But I didn’t want to answer any of them. It’s too hard.

“Of course Padre!” Roman says, “Can you walk?”

I shake my head. “My legs feel numb.”

Roman picks me up bridal style, I giggle a little. Despite my mood I still blush whenever Roman does that.

He carries me over to my light blue room, and sets me in my bed.

“Thanks Romano.” I mumble as he turns off the lights.

“No problem Pat.”

He closes the door and I sigh. I didn’t know it would get this bad. I’ve cut before but never like this.

I close my eyes and try to fall asleep. But my thoughts are buzzing. It’s not like my thoughts are buzzing with questions. It’s more like they’re buzzing with images, pictures. And not very happy ones.

I’m never going to get sleep this way. Maybe I should get a midnight snack of cookies and milk.

I consider calling Roman or Virgil, but think better of it. They need their sleep too. I don’t want to disturb them.

I swing my feet around to the edge of my bed. I slowly slide down, testing my weight, until I’m standing up. I take the first step. It’s a little wobbly, but I can make it.

I slowly make my way through the door and into the kitchen. I take a glass out of the cabinet and fill it with milk. Then I take two cookies out of the cookie jar.

You know… it’s a second cookie kind of day.

As I’m shakily walking back to my room I hear something coming from behind a dark blue door.

It sounds like… music? It’s almost one in the morning, Logan’s usually asleep by now.

Being the curious side I am, I peek through the crack of the door. Logan’s holding a guitar.

Wow! He plays the guitar!? That’s amazing! I never knew he could do that!

He’s strumming a tune I’ve never heard before. And surprisingly he starts to sing.

“Loving and fighting,  
Accusing, denying,  
I can't imagine a world with you gone.”

Oh my gosh! He’s amazing!

“The joy and the chaos, the demons we're made of,  
I'd be so lost if you left me alone.”

Wait. I know this song. It’s Hold On. And it’s about… what I did… 

“You locked yourself in the bathroom,  
Lying on the floor when I break through,  
I pull you in to feel your heartbeat,  
Can you hear me screaming ‘Please don't leave me’?”

I know it’s just a song, but it hits too close to home. I cut myself too much, and then this happened.

“Hold on, I still want you,  
Come back, I still need you.  
Let me take your hand, I'll make it right,  
I swear to love you all my life,  
Hold on, I still need you.”

I can feel tears prick the corners of my eyes. Why did I have to do it? Why can’t I just control my thoughts? And now Logan’s hurting!

“A long endless highway, you're silent beside me,  
Drivin' a nightmare I can't escape from,  
Helplessly praying, the light isn't fading,  
Hiding the shock and the chill in my bones.”

Logan turns around in his chair, and I duck back behind the door. But he’s not looking at me.

“They took you away on a table,  
I pace back and forth as you lay still,  
They pull you in to feel your heartbeat,  
Can you hear me screaming, ‘Please don't leave me’?”

I can suddenly see that his face is wet. Logan’s crying. I’ve never seen him cry before, I didn’t think he could physically do it.

“Hold on, I still want you,  
Come back, I still need you,  
Let me take your hand, I'll make it right,  
I swear to love you all my life,  
Hold on, I still need you.”

My own tears blur my vision, and spill down my cheeks. I don’t know why I can’t be happy. This whole thing could have been avoided if I could just be happy.

“I don't wanna let go,  
I know I'm not that strong,  
I just wanna hear you,  
Saying baby, let's go home,  
Let's go home,  
Yeah, I just wanna take you home.”

I don’t want everyone to worry about me. I don’t want anyone to go out of their way to help. I’m fine. Or… I will be soon. I hope.

“Hold on, I still want you,  
Come back, I still need you.”

I wipe my eyes and try to pull myself together. I need sleep. But my legs won’t move. All I can do is watch as Logan puts away his guitar and walks over to his bed. Instead of lying on it, he just sits down and puts his head in his hands.

I’m suddenly able to move again, but instead of turning and fleeing to my room, I walk over to him.

Logan looks up at me. “Patton.” He says, voice hoarse and scratchy from crying.

I sit down beside him, and he breaks down, sobbing into my shoulder. He’s never been this vulnerable before. His walls are down. I don’t want to make him feel any worse, so I just stay where I am.

I run my fingers through his hair and silently wonder how many times he’s felt like this, and never said anything.

“Why?” Logan whispers after a while, “Why would you do it?”

“I don’t know, Lo. I’m so sorry. I just don’t know. My thoughts spiral and spiral. Until I can’t control them anymore.”

He was shaking badly, so I just sat there, willing to be the shoulder he needed. Figuratively as well as literally.

Several more minutes pass until Logan straightens up and adjusts his tie, “Thank you for helping me with my little emotional breakdown Patton, but I’m fine now. You can leave if you would like.”

I smile sadly at him, “Lo, you don’t have to do that you know. We all know that you have emotions. You don't need to hide them. And see what happens when you bottle them?”

Logan looks like he’s about to say something, but I wrap my arms around him. He stops short, and I can feel his heart start to beat faster. 

Then finally, finally, he hugs me back. It’s never happened before. I’m always the one hugging him, but this time it’s both of us. This might be the first and last time this happens, so I make sure to remember this feeling.

He pulls away first, and looks at me for a long time.

“Patton?”

“Yeah?”

“What made you do it?”

I’m almost unwilling to tell him, but it needs to happen one way or another. “I think it was my thoughts. A little voice in my head kept telling me I wasn’t good enough. That you all didn’t want me. That I was useless.

“I mean, you’re Logic, Thomas needs you. He needs Roman too, what would he do without Creativity? And Virgil keeps us from doing silly things that would get us into trouble.

“But, what do I do? I just stand there making stupid puns and stupid dad jokes. I’m stupid, and useless.”

Logan is silent for a minute or two, and I grow more anxious as the seconds tick by. “I want you to know that you're none of those things.” He says, placing a hand on my shoulder. “You are not stupid, nor are you useless. Thomas needs you, just as he needs all of us. You are his Morality. His sense of right and wrong. But you're not just his Morality, just as I’m not only his Logic. You’re his empathy and compassion, his sense of humor and fun, his emotion. Without all of that, Thomas wouldn't be the person he is. Without /you/ he wouldn’t be the person he is. We need you.”

I can feel the tears coming again, “Thank you Lo, I needed to hear that.”

“It wasn’t a hassle.”

“Okay.” I put on my ‘fatherly figure’ persona “I want to tell you that I’m here if you ever need to talk. I know you have emotions, and you need to talk about them.”

“I don’t have emotions, but if I did, I would discuss them. Although tonight is not the time.”

I know that that’s Logan’s way of saying ‘ok’.

“I have one more question.” I say.

“Yes?”

“Why did you sing that song? Was it just a song or was it personal. Because some of the lyrics…”

I can see the hesitation in his eyes, “I often sing when I need to let unwanted thoughts out. That song just seemed to fit with what I was f- or, the situation. Singing has also proven to be an adequate stress reliever.”

I can’t help but feel a little disappointed. If I’m being honest, I’ve had a crush on Logan for quite some time. He’s just so down to earth and practical. A huge contrast to me, and I never expected to fall for him. Except I did.

“Patton? Are you alright?”

I snap my head up, “Ye-“ I stop myself, I need to share my true feelings. Things can’t be kept hidden for long.

“Well, actually, I have something to tell you.”

“Okay.”

“I-I like you.”

“Oh, well. Thank you. I like you too.”

Oh.

That hurts.

Okay, it’s not like I expected him to return my feelings. He’s logical, I’m… whatever I am.

“Thank you again Logan, but I have to go.” I say, he looks a little confused, “We should both get some sleep now. Long day and all that. Goodnight!”

I leave his room quickly not wanting him to see me cry. Looks like tonight is going to be another night spent crying.

… The Next Morning…  
Virgil’s POV

I hear a knock on my door. “Virgil? May I come in?”

I take off my head phones, it sounds like Logan. “Come in.”

Logan opens my door, and to my shock, he looks like a hot mess, nay, a cool mess, nay, an uncool mess. Shit, I’ve been spending way too much time with Princey. 

Anyway, Logan’s tie is barely tied right, his hair is messed up and he has large bags under his eyes.

“Are you okay Logan?” I ask.

He shakes his head, “I barely got any sleep last night.”

I gesture to my bed, “Sit down, you look dead on your feet.”

Logan walks over and sits next to me.

“What happened?” I ask, concerned. If Logan’s out of it, how are the rest of them? If our voice of reason is no longer reasonable the rest of us will fall to pieces.

“Last night, Patton came to me. And he talked about his feelings.”

Oh shit. Why did he go to Logan? Not me or Roman?

“But that’s not important, I have that under control. It’s what he said right before he left, he said: ‘I like you’. So I responded with, ‘Thank you, I like you too.’ Then he left my room looking as if he might cry. I can’t help but feel that I did something wrong.”

I slap my forehead.

Oh my god.

How is Logan this stupid? He’s supposed to be the logical side! Goddamnit!

“Are you kidding me?” I ask.

“What?”

“Patton likes you!”

“Well, yes, we’ve established this.”

I take a deep breath. There’s only so much stupidity I can take. “In more than a friend way!”

I practically see the gears turning in Logan’s head as he tries to figure out what I just said. Then his face lights up. “Oh. I know what you mean now.”

I sigh. “Well? Do you like him back?”

Logan scoffs, “I don’t have feelings.”

I roll my eyes, “/Suuuuuuurre/ you don’t.”

Logan is quiet for a while, “How would you know? If you liked someone, I mean.”

I pause, trying to think of what to say. I think back to all of my past feelings that I’ve had around certain sides. No, I’m not saying who, so screw off.

“Well, they make you smile even when you think you’ll never be happy again. They can make you laugh when you feel like there’s no hope in the world. They can make you enjoy something you would normally dread. And, you kind of feel a warm fuzzy feeling in your chest whenever they’re around.”

Logan’s shoulders drop. “Shit.”

I pat him on the back. “You must have it pretty bad for Patton dude.”

Suddenly his head shoots up, “I have an idea.” He runs out of my room, not even closing the door behind him.

“Your welcome I guess.” I mumble and turn back to my phone.

Logan's POV

So according to Virgil’s diagnoses, I happen to like Patton.

Well, it could be A lot worse, I could like Roman. I don’t know what made me come to this decision, but I need to do something about these new feelings. Luckily I happen to have an idea. It involves a song.


	2. A Thousand Years

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello beautiful human beans! Here's the second chapter. I am kind of hesitant to put this up, just cause I'm not that good at writing romantic shit. I don't know, just feel free to give me tips and constructive criticism.
> 
> Good luck! TW: I don't think there are any.

Patton’s POV

I’m eating a cookie on the couch when Roman comes up to me.

“What’s up kiddo?” I ask.

“Logan has requested your presence in his room.” He says, flopping down and turning on the TV.

“Okay?”

I heave myself up off of the couch and walk down the stairs to Logan’s room. I’ve kind of avoided talking to him ever since two days ago. I feel really bad about it, but it’s almost nine o’clock and I can’t keep this up forever.

I knock quietly on Logan’s dark blue door. “It’s open.” Comes a voice from inside.

I take a second to gather my courage before I open the door. When I step inside, I find that the room is pitch black.

“Logan?” I ask softly.

There’s no answer, only an odd swishing sound. I look around, my eyes straining to see anything in the darkness.

A single blue light appears in front of me. I gaze at it in amazement. It’s tiny and glowing, and it has a sort of wispy look about it. Almost like a ghost. But, it’s not a ghost… 

It’s a Will-o'-the-Wisp!

I’ve seen these before. There’s a movie called Brave that had these little ghost creatures. They looked exactly like these!

I take a step towards it and reach out a hand, but it disappears with a little hum. In its place a long trail of them appears. They light up the dark room, except… it’s not a room anymore. It’s a forest path.

My footsteps are hesitant at first, as I start down the trail. But the Will-o'-the-Wisps seem to give off warm happy energy and it gives me confidence. Soon I'm running down the mossy ground, trying to catch the Wisps as they vanish into the night.

They lead me up a hill, around a couple of trees, and over a rock face. I get close to touching them several times, but they’re too fast.

One floats up in front of my face, and I laugh as it sneezes.

I’m having so much fun that I don't notice when the last one disappears. I suddenly realize that I’m alone in the forest.

The chilly night air seems to have more of a bite than before.

“Hello?” I call out.

Nobody answers.

Then something else lights up by my foot, a candle. As if triggered by my voice a circle of them ignites around me.

“Patton?” A voice asks.

I turn, Logan is sitting there on a tree stump, with his guitar.

“Logan? Why-”

He holds a hand up. “I promise to explain everything in a minute.”

I watch as he takes a deep breath and starts to strum.

“Heart beats fast,  
Colors and promises.”

“Oh Logan.” I whisper.

“How to be brave,  
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall.  
But watching you stand alone.  
All of my doubt, suddenly goes away somehow.”

I can feel the tears welling in my eyes. He did this all for me. Just for me.

“One step closer.”

I take a step toward Logan, wanting nothing more than to rush over and hug him.

“I have died everyday, waiting for you,  
Darling, don't be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years,  
I'll love you for a thousand more.”

Does he… does he actually love me?

“Time stands still,  
Beauty in all he is.”

Does he actually think this? Or, is he just trying to make me feel better?

“I will be brave,  
I will not let anything, take away,  
What's standing in front of me.  
Every breath, every hour has come to this.”

Logan’s eyes lock with mine, but they’re almost unreadable. There’s so many emotions flickering in them it’s hard to tell which ones they are.

“One step closer.”

I take another step toward him.

“I have died everyday, waiting for you,  
Darling, don't be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years,  
I'll love you for a thousand more.”

But how can he think this? I’m useless, I’m stupid! I’m… nothing. Not worth anyone’s time.

“And all along I believed, I would find you,  
Time has brought your heart to me, I have loved you for a thousand years,  
I'll love you for a thousand more.”

How could anyone ever love me? I don’t deserve it.

“One step closer.”

I take another step. Logan stands up.

“One step closer.”

And another one. We’re face to face now, close enough to… 

“I have died everyday, waiting for you,  
Darling, don't be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years,  
I'll love you for a thousand more.”

I want to believe that he loves me, I really do! But I don’t know if I can.

“And all along I believed, I would find you,  
Time has brought your heart to me, I have loved you for a thousand years,  
I'll love you for a thousand more.”

Logan sings the last note, and we stare at each other for a long time. He sets down the guitar.

“Can I kiss you?” He whispers.

I nod, too breathless to speak.

He cups a hand on my cheek and slowly leans down. I surge forward and connect our lips.

Logan kisses me gently, almost shyly. Like he isn’t completely sure of himself. But I am. I am sure that I want him. I can taste coffee and chocolate on his lips, the two things he’s utterly addicted to. He’s so beautiful it physically takes my breath away.

I wrap my arms around his shoulders. He wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me closer. I sigh into the kiss, hugging him tightly.

When we finally break apart, Logan takes my hand. “Come with me.”

He leads me down a rocky trail, until we come out on a hill. It’s a clearing with no trees and no bushes. It’s just a grassy bluff overlooking a big green and blue forest. But that’s not the best part.

There are stars everywhere you look! It’s like a dome of stars surrounding me.

I lay down and motion for Logan to join me, he does and we look up at the stars together. I even work up enough courage to take his hand. I hear a long sigh from Logan.

“Are you okay?” I ask, turning my head to look at him.

“Yes… and no.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No.”

“That’s okay. Whenever you are ready.”

Logan turns his head too, “I just want you to know that you are not useless, and you are not stupid.”

I nod and look back at the stars, “I know that. But it’s just hard to believe it. It’s hard to believe that anyone would love me, /could/ love me.”

“Although I am not sure of any other feeling at the moment, the one I /am/ sure of is the one telling me that I’m in love with you.”

Even though Logan’s words are soothing, my brain just wants to keep supplying me with reasons not to believe him. “Why? Why do you love me? Is there even anything to love about me?”

Logan’s response is instant. “For one, you’re a steady constant in my life. Always there with a pun or a dad joke. They’re silly and a little annoying at times, but in the best way. Meaning I get annoyed at how witty they are. And how you manage to think up better ones every time,

“Two: You’re the sweetest side there is, you’re always kind to everyone, and I’ve never heard you say anything bad about anyone. 

“Three: I’m always uptight and emotionless, you’re, the exact opposite. You helped me open up.

“Four: You have Thomas’ best interests at heart. You do everything in your power to help him. You do everything in your power to help /everyone/.

“Those are only /some/ of the reasons you are, in fact, worthy of love.”

I smiled at him, my worries silenced. “Thank you Lo.” I whisper and press closer to him.

He hesitates, but wraps an arm around my shoulders.

“I love you Lo.” I say, my heart bounding.

There’s a moment of silence. Then,

“I love you too, Patton.”

We stay like that until dawn, gazing up at the stars. We don’t talk, each of us are lost in our own thoughts. At least mine aren't bad, Logan’s presence seems to chase away my demons.

We might still be sad, we might still be just holding on to that last shred of happiness left. But at least we’re doing it together.

That’s all that matters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Constructive criticism/tips are very much appreciated! And go give love to Joan!


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